The battle goes on and on...

I’d like to go over some of my older portraits, I’ve planned my next project but unfortunately can’t seem to get the enthusiasm to create it, I’m hoping that this will help. I often find that a blog entry helps give me some more headspace for a new creative project. Almost like out with the old in with the new. My blogs do feel a little strange at the moment, I kinda miss the days when I used to get 15-20 views in a way. My process is, I feel something, I created it, I write it, I realise It. Done. Now it’s a little complicated, and I shouldn’t complain, that the point of art for it to be seen right? I just hope it’s being viewed for the right reasons. Saying that these little ones never really seem to get many views anyway!

I’ve never been good with my feeling, I’m an all or nothing kind of person I guess in the sense that I just don’t know how to deal with them, regulating emotions is just hard. So I either don’t feel them, ignoring them, pushing them down OR everything at once in an all consuming mass of sadness and raged. I’m working on it, and the whole ‘wellbeing’ and ‘self care’ part of life is just something I really never learnt to do, I’m good at busy. I’m good at ignoring myself until I get to the point where I get so overwhelmed I can’t move. So I’m working on breaking these cycles, because if there’s one thing I am good at it’s working on breaking cycles. I really envy people who can have time off without working and not have a mini melt down of self destruction. I hate being bored or ‘unproductive’ we got our first jobs at 12 to start paying our ‘keep’ once you get that level of responsibility instilled onto your mind it’s hard to break especially when resting was ‘lazy’. So Yeah it’s a battle, but another one i'll win. In time, it all takes time, of course but I get frustrated when I do something that I think will make me feel magically better and it doesn’t work. I get these ideals into my head that there are quick fixes, but there are not. There are no magic words to fix our problems and feelings. But that’s not saying that words can’t be magical, it just takes a lot of them over time, to the right people.

My next project is dark, I feel one of the reasons I’m finding it hard to start it is a fear of judgement, I’ve given a lot away lately about my reasons for creating. I used to get a little annoyed by the fact that people clearly weren’t thinking about the images they were ‘liking’ now I worry that people will read too much into them. So this project might take a little bit of time to finish and post, I seem to care what people think again, which is also a battle because if there’s another thing I know it’s how cruel people can be. I will just have to get past this again!

I originally planned to really dig deep with this post, however I’m now on my best behaviour for a little while for the greater good, so this is now slightly censored (maybe people will be glad). I like to be honest though, probably because I felt ignored and silenced for so long, I’m really not great with face to face talks about my feelings so my blogs are an easier way of me getting it all out… So here are my (censored) reasons behind my top self portraits. This is a feels posts not a lot of editing talk!

Fear

My TV broke a while ago, so instead of being annoyed about it I just got creative! I had loads of fun doing this one, it also had a nice deep meaning. I was doing a little better back them with my feelings, but that’s up's and down's for you I guess. I also really like horrors so making this felt authentic. Read all about this in my blog post Up's and down's of a creative mind

Those who refuse to see

I had to add this one in, although the editing isn’t great it released a lot of angry for me, it’s really not good to keep in anger and for a 5ft 1 person I have a lot of it, and I really don’t want it… people just frustrate me, a massive part of me feels let down. I when into this one a lot more in All is fair in art and war so I’m not going to talk loads about it here, but it was fun and I do really like it!

Masking

Masking, so apparently I mask my frustrations, trauma and other issues with humour. I don’t see this as a bad thing tho… again I go more into this one in All is fair in art and war.

Pieces

I shot this after helping my brother, he’s always been one of my best friends and he will not mind me saying this the biggest pain in the ass that I know and love. We are also very a like and have a deep bound so when he’s in pain I really feel it, it was a hard year for him which made it a hard year for me. We are both working hard I’m extremely proud of him, one day he will be great and he will do great things, but again it takes time. This is inspired by the way it feels not to feel like your pieces fit, a feeling that is very frustrating and exhausting. Not feeling like your pieces fit is hard, I really get it. I go more into this one in Dream catching.

Draining

First this has made it it yes, I do like it however it’s very similar to selective colouring in its editing. I don’t like selective colouring but… sometimes I feel like the colour is draining form me, I drain myself a lot, I make myself ill. Another one from Dream catching.

Pain

Physically and emotional pain sucks, we don’t choose to hurt. I write blogs I struggle to I read (and not because of the dyslexia, I actually really like to read) I struggle to read my blogs because I don’t like to be reminded of my own hurt, but it’s mine and we all have our own hurt we have to deal with. These where inspired by pain, however I do really like them. Again I talked about this one in Creation and loss a blog I really can’t looked at anymore!

Inside the frame- series

I think if someone said to me, "pick your all time favourite" I would have a hard time choosing between these three, they are just how I feel, how it feels to post my work, these are from What's in a self portrait and I feel some of my best work I really enjoyed creating these.

Not me again...

So there’s often two of me (or more) in my images, and I do go into this in a few other blogs posts. I’m at battle with myself a lot, again with the all or nothing, I make myself ill, I will relive bad memories trying to dissect them, work them out, I should just leave them alone, in the darker corners of my brain in a box that says “do not open” but I can’t. I just have to keep digging around in the dark, held down by my own negativity. Trapped in the cycle, but once again il learn how to break this cycle eventually. You can read a little more about this in Not normal, new normal, who wants to be normal anyway...

Misery loves company

This felt like a good slightly more positive shoot, and as i'm not getting much of my own work done these days creating it was a relief, and I really liked the reason behind it, it’s not as doom and gloom as it sounds! read more about it on Hiding in boxes, planning my future and heart burn.

Small

Sometimes I feel so small, trapped, defenceless and alone. We all do from time to time, it’s a human instinct to be afraid. Those gut feelings, getting thrown back into fight mood being on edge. Not all out emotions are welcome and fun, but we are only human. Another Creation and loss image!

Safe

My husband back... it’s our anniversary today! 7 years married. He’s the best man I’ve ever met, and puts up with all my weirdness, I knew straight away he was a kind person when we met even at the age of 11 we have grown up together. Although admittedly I’ve not always been the easiest, he has had to have a lot of patiences dealing with the complications that I’ve brung along with me. However he handles it great and really is the best influence, I couldn’t believe my luck when I was able to move in with him at 18 it was amazing. Of course there were a few ‘people’ who were negative about the situation, and voiced their unwanted opinions very loud but taking advice from people who don’t help themselves or people who don't treat other people right was never my style, so of course I didn’t listen and look it worked out! However it was a learning curve for us both, yes we bickered and had to work out how to give each other space while working out the new living dynamic at such a young age but it was so much fun. We now have a beautiful, happy daughter and another one on the way! This one is also from Dream catching.

Childhood Never Ends

I did this one back in summer, lockdown for me was so difficult I could really go into it however this is not the time but I enjoyed this one soooo much! You can read more about it in Being a Creative Person is Weird… I also really miss those trousers, I'm loving being pregnant however can't wait t fit into them again!

Dreaming

As I’m starting my new dream project soon (if I can create again). It only seams right to end this blog on some sleep inspired images, these are old, I’ve shared them a few times. I’ve also not been shy about talking about my sleep issue, I’m working hard to fit them. I hate night time, I spend a lot of time just waiting for morning. My 2-3 hour sleep pattern at the moment is really challenging with pregnancy, because growing a human takes a lot of energy! So does being a mum to a very intelligent and talkative almost six year old as well as working. I’m tired in EVERY way, but I’m also happy (although yes I understand that my blogs usually hold my darkest feelings and experiences, I’m more than what I post). Yet the first part of breaking my nightmares and bad sleep cycle is admitted that it’s not normal, the way I deal with nighttime’s and the dreams I have are not normal. Through talking about them I’ve now worked out with help I mostly REM sleep as I don’t feel safe enough to fall into a heavy sleep, I go over my memories so much that I dream about them too meaning that I get no relief. I don’t just dream about things that have happened sometimes it’s funnier stuff like zombies and being chased…The more stressed I get the worse the nightmares. I’ve always had sleep problems, I’m just fed up of then now, so il keep working on it because I can't stay in this loop. This is the style my next dream project will follow, I love black and white editing!

As always thanks for reading, sorry about the typos and I hope you enjoyed the images.

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