The battle goes on and on...
I’d like to go over some of my older portraits, I’ve planned my next project but unfortunately can’t seem to get the enthusiasm to create it, I’m hoping that this will help. I often find that a blog entry helps give me some more headspace for a new creative project. Almost like out with the old in with the new. My blogs do feel a little strange at the moment, I kinda miss the days when I used to get 15-20 views in a way. My process is, I feel something, I created it, I write it, I realise It. Done. Now it’s a little complicated, and I shouldn’t complain, that the point of art for it to be seen right? I just hope it’s being viewed for the right reasons. Saying that these little ones never really seem to get many views anyway!
I’ve never been good with my feeling, I’m an all or nothing kind of person I guess in the sense that I just don’t know how to deal with them, regulating emotions is just hard. So I either don’t feel them, ignoring them, pushing them down OR everything at once in an all consuming mass of sadness and raged. I’m working on it, and the whole ‘wellbeing’ and ‘self care’ part of life is just something I really never learnt to do, I’m good at busy. I’m good at ignoring myself until I get to the point where I get so overwhelmed I can’t move. So I’m working on breaking these cycles, because if there’s one thing I am good at it’s working on breaking cycles. I really envy people who can have time off without working and not have a mini melt down of self destruction. I hate being bored or ‘unproductive’ we got our first jobs at 12 to start paying our ‘keep’ once you get that level of responsibility instilled onto your mind it’s hard to break especially when resting was ‘lazy’. So Yeah it’s a battle, but another one i'll win. In time, it all takes time, of course but I get frustrated when I do something that I think will make me feel magically better and it doesn’t work. I get these ideals into my head that there are quick fixes, but there are not. There are no magic words to fix our problems and feelings. But that’s not saying that words can’t be magical, it just takes a lot of them over time, to the right people.
My next project is dark, I feel one of the reasons I’m finding it hard to start it is a fear of judgement, I’ve given a lot away lately about my reasons for creating. I used to get a little annoyed by the fact that people clearly weren’t thinking about the images they were ‘liking’ now I worry that people will read too much into them. So this project might take a little bit of time to finish and post, I seem to care what people think again, which is also a battle because if there’s another thing I know it’s how cruel people can be. I will just have to get past this again!
I originally planned to really dig deep with this post, however I’m now on my best behaviour for a little while for the greater good, so this is now slightly censored (maybe people will be glad). I like to be honest though, probably because I felt ignored and silenced for so long, I’m really not great with face to face talks about my feelings so my blogs are an easier way of me getting it all out… So here are my (censored) reasons behind my top self portraits. This is a feels posts not a lot of editing talk!
My TV broke a while ago, so instead of being annoyed about it I just got creative! I had loads of fun doing this one, it also had a nice deep meaning. I was doing a little better back them with my feelings, but that’s up's and down's for you I guess. I also really like horrors so making this felt authentic. Read all about this in my blog post Up's and down's of a creative mind
Those who refuse to see
I had to add this one in, although the editing isn’t great it released a lot of angry for me, it’s really not good to keep in anger and for a 5ft 1 person I have a lot of it, and I really don’t want it… people just frustrate me, a massive part of me feels let down. I when into this one a lot more in All is fair in art and war so I’m not going to talk loads about it here, but it was fun and I do really like it!
Masking, so apparently I mask my frustrations, trauma and other issues with humour. I don’t see this as a bad thing tho… again I go more into this one in All is fair in art and war.