I’m tired. In so many ways, however i’m not unhappy. Life isn’t too bad at the moment! The sun is shining, I’m hoping the rain clouds leave me alone, because when it rains it pores and it’s never sunny for long enough is it?!
I’ve been working on a few bits lately, my usual self portrait project of course. But I’ve also had location shoots! Paid work! It’s great to be out shooting again, I was really nervous about it all, but the shoots I’ve had have all be super great! I have many more booked in, it’s nice to be back! Positive. Also I’ve had amazing feedback, I don’t no way I was so anxious about them!
However this blog isn’t about that, this blog isn’t about the shinning sun, or warmth I feel when i’m outside. I share a lot in these blogs, my dreams, my nightmares, personal struggles and losses. Why?
Artists are storytellers, whether we are telling our own story’s or passing one on that we have borrowed, we use our images and words to inspire and to provoke an emotional response. I don’t want to ‘fit in’, but I don’t necessarily want to ‘stand out’ either. I just want to make people feel while working through my own creative impulses... I also generally believe that some of us have to experience more to help others through hard times.
So here is what I’ve been up to and why!
As Heavy as a Feather
I had a sulky day, I got disappointed about something I didn't even need to be disappointed about (Maybe i'll share more about this at a different time!) My inner grumpy teenager was strong in these... I was frustrated, I'm trying harder to chill and let go! This was fun to shoot, I used my normal lighting set up, and dark background. I'm planning on changing my set up soon, I've had this forever now!
Powerful and Powerless
My mood have been slightly up and down! I shot this in a good mood! However once again I feel like a contradiction. I have an inner conflict of emotions, I want to feel in control of every detail of my life, but I also believe in fate “what will be will be”... I feel powerful and powerless at the same time! However as images go I think this is my favourite! I like throwing feathers... also I like using my props a good artist friend of mine made the halo, so was nice to get a shot using it! We should all have photos of ourselves that we like, that make us feel good.
Hurt, Acknowledgement and Strength
I always think I'm doing better mentally then I look at my work, the funny thing is that these all have positive meanings in a way, yes they are dark and moody. I'm expressing upset in some of them, but i'm also expressing acknowledgement and strength. My work is not a cry for help, or a need for attention, my work is just a projection of my feelings and if I didn't get them out like this they would stay trapped inside my head fighting each other for space.
These were all great fun todo! Like most of my studio work my setting were- ISO 100, shutter 200 with my Aperture around 13. I love photoshop, so editing these was great fun! I leant how to photoshop an image onto crumpled up paper in the last image, which was enjoyable to do, I love that i'm always learning through my art!
Childhood Never Ends
This one, this one I loved doing! I love it when an image feels like work, when it takes me time, planning and the editing makes me concentrate. Shooting wise I set up my camera on a tripod and move around, editing I just copied and pasted myself in! Yes there’s a little bit more to it technically, but that’s the basics of how this type of image is done, I love all the little details in this one!
It also has a deeper meaning than me reading a book looking annoyed. If you follow me on instagram yes I go on a little about how I worry about the kids going through the pandemic in tricky homes. It’s a genuine worry for me, all the young people who must be stressed and scared. On the 11th of June it’s #ChildhoodDay you can find more info on @nspcc_official instagram page about this. So my next little personal project is to do some images to draw attention to this... here is some writing that’s part of my inspiration.
It’s the “accidents” the little pushes, nudges and trips. Then it’s the grabs, forceful shoves, drags and throws... A bigger person can easily get you to back yourself into a corner towering over you, looking down on you, laughing at your tears, mocking your fear and frustrations. Name calling delivered as “nick names” the sickening stares and intimidation. The impossible tasks set to cause failure. The violent threats that turn into bruises. Scared children become angry, angry children become broken adults. The nightmares that last long into adulthood, waking up in sweats and tears. A reality that hangs around long after any physical marks have gone. We can help break cycles to begin with instead of fixing people who have had to scramble to survive...
Childhood should be happy, safe and warm, no child should have to live in any kind of fear or sadness. It’s hard to imagine what some kids have to go through, it’s not nice to think about but there is some sick stuff happening out there and WE CAN ALL spread some awareness and look out for signs regardless of background or upbringing.
Again fun one to shoot! This was a quick one, but I like it, and it's how I feel. I function good in the day time, I've probably mentioned that before but at night if i'm having a bad time sleeping i'm not great... And It’s been while since Iv moan about my dreams, so yes, here is me moaning about my dreams. The nightmares are horrific, so far in the past few days I’ve been chased, stabbed/sacrificed… my husband not only left me but blocked my number. I have a great marriage, so that's a cruel dream! Even by my standards. Give me zombies, ghosts, let my teeth fall out, even bury me alive (all frequent dreams of mine) but dreaming Tom leaving was mean of my subconscious! Most of what I dream about won't happen, it's not possible. Unfortunately SOME of it is, scary stuff, we can't control our dreams or our life's.
I've done a few other images! However I'll maybe add them into my next blog in a few weeks! I always think I haven't done enough creative work, then I come to write a blog and realise that I've done loads! Mentally i'm very up and down, which is fine, frustrating but fine! I get to go into work much more now these days, which is amazing and is really helping I do love my day job! My plan is to keep creating, keep talking and keep spreading awareness! I don’t want things to go back to how they were before Covid, I’m a different person now so I want things to be different and this is ok!... so remember, your feelings are valid, you can feel anyway you want. You can deal with events anyway you want, it’s ok when life is hard. It get hard for most people from time to time, keep going, you can make new decisions and change your mind about old ones... Thanks for reading!
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