Updated: May 12
Testing, testing Is this thing on... my blog has been playing up. Which was for me really annoying and stressful but I doubt anyone else even noticed... anyway here is a blog about me, again, because it's my blog.
Few helpful links -
I may as well just jump right into it, as a child, I was in trouble a lot for being forgetful, clumsy, sensitive, picky with food and annoying. The list could go on and on. Now, at 32 years old, my psychiatrist has decided that I should start taking ADHD meds. I'm also due to start EMDR therapy for childhood trauma at some point in the near future. ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, autism, OCD, etc., have a massive crossover and co-exist in many cases. The main reason we have decided that it's time for my new meds and a formal diagnosis for ADHD is that when I'm triggered, (which happens a lot these days) because I cant regulate my emotions well, I'm having some less than ideal personal challenges. To put it impolitely, it's been a right headfuck over the past few years, and I'm exhausted and frustrated. So what have I got to lose by taking the pills? Well, my humour and need to do five takes at once just to get some dopamine perhaps, but I could gain so much more. The ability to sleep even! Wow, sleep, that would be amazing, sleep without nightmares even better but I’ll take whatever I can get.
My appointment with the psychiatrist was good, we talked over some of my behaviour traits and how to move forward. For now, I need to keep on engaging with my counsellor as well as have appointments with the psychiatrist on a regular basis. Which still seams like a lot of work mentally and emotionally. I'm obviously hoping for minimal side effects from the new meds I will be taking. I will be taking these alongside my sertraline for a while, so I will be medicated up! I'm not sure how I feel about all those chemicals in my body, but apparently, I can't make my own, and now I have an imbalance or technically a deficiency, so I’m putting my trust in the doctors to help me regulate this better.
I've known for quite a while I have ADHD, sometimes I would downplay it a bit, or act like it didn't matter, but it’s always been there, just like my dyslexia and I’ve always just about managed so that others haven’t noticed my struggles. It feels like now is probably a good time to just take the meds, although, as I said, I do have some worries. Apparently, I'm going to lose my appetite, which is problematic for me because I like to control my weight and have some OCD tendencies, which is common crossover. And although I try to maintain a healthy balance, the first thing that popped into my mind when the psychiatrist said I might lose weight was "yay," which isn't right. Luckily, I'm also self-aware, and I feel my counselor will help keep me on a good path. I definitely feel part of my insecurities are down to the unrealistic body expectations from toxic social media, I need to get better at monitoring my intake. I also think it’s my need for control, I don’t feel in control of much of my life so my weight seams like an easy objective to keep in track I guess, however I’m not underweight and I eat.
I’ve described my feels a lot in my past blogs, the way my frustration feels in my body, how my creative energy can turn negative and into internalised angry and anxiety if I have no where to put it, it’s these feelings that are becoming really intense and the reason that it’s time for some more medicine, without sounding dramatic it’s getting unbearable and triggering my PTSD more and more. Many of the other areas in my life have evened out, which of course is a massive positive and I’m still extremely grateful, I have so much to be happy about. But where do I put the negative energy I feel now? I can’t keep it inside and I don’t no how to release it without either exploding and losing my cool or imploding in on myself.
So yeah, here it goes! Tomorrow, I will pick my new meds up. And of course, I'll blog about it. I've been making artwork again the past few weeks. It's perhaps a little dark. Art is weird, but so I am, and so is life. It's a form of expression that allows us to pour our heart and soul onto something. But sometimes, that expression can be dark and difficult to put into words or for others to understand. However I’m learning that other peoples thoughts and inability to regulate isn’t something I can control anyway.
I've always been drawn to the darker side of things. It's where I find my inspiration, my motivation, my drive. Because it's where a lot of my personal experiences come from. Maybe this is why the raw, honest emotion of it all speaks to me. Art has allowed me to explore my feelings in a way that's both therapeutic and creative. I guess, in a way, I've been self-medicating with my art and work to try and gain the hormones my brains lacks, which until recently has been enough to scrape by on.
The art, I’m not going to talk about technique just meaning and inspiration this time…
I've always chased the high of doing work. Completing tasks, being challenged, creative conversation, problem solving and collaboration have been my stimulation for years. I need it, I crave it and without it I don't know who I am.
The phrase "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil" is a proverb that originated in Japan. It means to avoid participating in or spreading gossip, rumors, or negativity. It encourages people to focus on positivity, to avoid speaking or hearing anything that could harm others… yeah, we don’t practice that much, do we now 🙉🙊🙈 but I guess contradictory to that phrase and belief, freedom of speech is also important. So that’s tricky. I feel I stand somewhere in between ‘be kind and stand up for yourself’. How am I meant to navigate life with so many mixed messages out there?!?
'Self-sabotage is a behavior or thought pattern that intentionally or unintentionally undermines one's own success, happiness, or well-being. It can take many forms, such as procrastination, negative self-talk, self-doubt, fear of failure, self-destructive behavior, and self-sabotaging relationships. Self-sabotage can be a result of deep-seated beliefs, past traumas, or fear of change. It can prevent individuals from reaching their full potential and enjoying the life they desire.'
I definitely self-sabotage; I procrastinate, take on too much work sometimes, I don’t look after my health like I should, I don’t message people back, then stress about it, and I’m impulsive. I was also way too comfortable inside that bag, it was quiet and peaceful, and in those short moments, nothing existed, just my deep breath.
The more open I get about myself and I ‘mask’ less the more I realise perhaps I’m a little odd, but if you read my blogs you already know that. I thought everyone had mind boxes for storing their memories but apparently this isn’t a ‘thing’ everyone does. Perhaps this is why my long term visual memory is so good, I can recall these boxes anytime and dig up memories in detail if needed. I have a mind box for all the negative things as an adult I’ve put up with for being neroD. As I unmask I’m calling this out more, not just for me, for other people also… my brain isn’t ‘wrong’ and I don’t need to ‘slow down’. This is how my brain looks on the inside, boxes filled with messy thoughts. I’ve had to put up with peoples crap and uneducated ways of thinking all my life and the older I get I want my skill set to be encouraged my way of thinking might be different but it's not wrong.
I get so bored and frustrated while also procrastinating, I literally don't know what to do with myself. Then I feel my internal anger bubbling up with no healthy release. I want to be all chilled, happy, and light. My counsellor who is fairly local but I have online sessions with every two weeks, keeps telling me "you're human, and it's ok to act and feel it." In my last few sessions, we talked about my fear of messing things up and getting myself into trouble, particularly in a workplace environment because I feel angry, and my humor is so weird, or I can't help being overhonest sometimes. A massive part of this feeling comes from childhood trauma. I'm working on my boundaries while still trying to be a good person. It's tricky, and I hope the medicine helps me.
Thanks for reading. I use these blogs to explore and express my feelings. They are not meant to upset anyone, and I've always tried to be as honest as possible. I get that this is hard for some people to understand, but I'm not censoring any of my thoughts or experiences going forward.
The Future Plan!
I really like blogging, It feels very 'me' and it's great to do something we love right!? I've wanted to do this style of work for years but I really wasn't ready to open up about my art work as I am now.
I'm really finding my voice and this has given me a deeper reason for creating! However having my own voice doesn't feel like enough. We all have stories and struggles that are all different. Art for me is about connections, awareness and story telling, and I believe that together there is so much awareness to be spread.
How would this work? Think of it as an interview, but with portraits, a creative collaboration of awareness about issues such as mental health struggles, illness and the challenges of every day life!
Sound like something you may be interested in? Great! Let’s tell some stories together!
Email me: email@example.com