Knee deep in procrastination

I should be editing, I have an event to shoot later and some other work today… but I find myself writing, which isn’t really unusual. It’s still a very prominent part of my life, admittedly, it’s not a hyper focus these days, so the urge is less. It no longer feels like a compulsion. But I’ve been finding myself thinking a lot lately about childhood memories and trauma, perhaps because I’m having a counselling break for a few more weeks. If I’m not talking it, I guess I’m thinking it… or perhaps I’ve been triggered in my subconscious.

Relationships are tricky. There’s a closeness between siblings with shared trauma that also comes with a sense of distance at the same time. I haven’t heard from my brother in almost a year now, the last time we met, he was doing better, he was still clearly a little annoyed with me for the missing person campaign... Time blindness is strong in us both, and I can also go a long time without talking to family. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with my two sisters as always, the three of us look after ourselves well, and although we all have challenges, we adult well. However, my younger siblings do not hold a relationship with myself or the OGs and perhaps never will again. I’ve found more peace in that now, they have their own paths to take and their own journeys ahead of them that do not include me. Of course, I worry however, that’s shifted from panic to more acceptance now, perhaps, as they are no longer children. I used to think of myself and OG siblings as a litter, myself and brother being the runts. Then when my younger sisters came along, we felt more like a family for a little while. Then I realised that we were not a litter, but we were the practice, in and out, focused to grow up as quickly as possible with adult responsibilities as children. I should probably be over the feelings of resentment more, but I’m not, it lingers in me like an infection still, still angry, still bitter, it still makes me unwell.

I’m not regulating my emotions as well as I like, so I’m taking my ADHD medication again alongside Fluoxetine. Fluoxetine is great! it’s a much better fit for me than sertraline was. Chef's kiss, yum! But really, it’s been working well. Everyone is different, and medication affects us all differently, but I’m finally feeling like I’m on the right path, even if I’m on pills. The thirst is a bitch though, staying hydrated is hard work… the summer will be intense as always as I don’t regulate heat well as it is! If you see me walking about looking half dead, I probably just need some water.

So the point of this blog, because obviously, I’m rambling… I quit my job a little while back, and now I’m adjusting to being self-employed. And yeah, not going to lie, it’s stressful at times, but if I could go back in time and do this three years ago, I so would. I’m still healing from the burnout and anxiety I picked up from my last few years as an employee. In hindsight, maybe doing EMDR therapy in my lunch break and then trying to be a functional person on a Friday at work wasn’t my best idea. I recognise that now. However, I was having a hard time already, so I didn’t need it made any harder… but it was! EMDR for trauma and a good dose of work anxiety. Yeah, probably not the best mix, but I’m clearly a glutton for punishment, right? I stayed way longer than I should have. But I was scared of the jump I needed to take.

Being self-employed as a neurodivergent with cPTSD and a young family is testing—yes, I’m not going to sugarcoat it! However, I think this is my path, so I’m going to blog more about it.

Not having a structured 9-5 is weird, but works well for me because I get to be as creative as I like whenever I like now. Being micromanaged didn’t feel great, obviously, but I do miss aspects of it—surprisingly not as much as I was anticipating! When you leave a job that you loved, it comes with grief, for what you wanted, expected, needed within that role. I’ve come to realise that a job never really belongs to anyone; it’s just a business exchange and cannot love you back. If you get unwell, sad and overwhelmed the emails will still ping in your inbox, there’s still passive-aggressiveness coated in “kind regards.” It’s a transaction, and when you leave, the job will not miss you, it will not grieve for you in return. It took me a little while to come to terms with this, but in realising this, it opened me up to so many more possibilities and opportunities within my own business and freelance working relationships. And I’m having a great time!

It’s weird though, I definitely used all the stress in my employment as an excuse not to deal with my trauma like I should have. The two oddly became so intertwined that it was hard for me to define what I was feeling and what was triggering me more. Perhaps it was due to growing up in such a toxic environment with people who didn’t value my opinion or see me as an equal who deserves respect and space. I should really do better at avoiding spaces like that! I think as a cPTSD survivor, I’m drawn to the feeling of familiarity, and my justice sensitivity doesn’t allow me to keep quiet. I don’t like who I became in those environments, which I need to work on.

I remember when I first started in my role. (On a side note, I had some excellent years there before the burnout started, and the work anxiety overwhelmed me, and I’m grateful for so much from my time there.) I felt amazing. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to because that’s what everyone else did, right? Wake up, go to an office, 9-5, and drink tea while talking about why the printer isn’t working, right?! And trust me, I tried so hard to wear that mask, and I did for a while, but when it became too uncomfortable to wear and it came off. I started to struggle. And not everyone liked what was underneath, and they made that incredibly clear, and that will forever stay with me, like everything else does.

I’ve had no time for new self portrait so here are some old favourites!

That was fun—bit if an offload, right? I go into way more detail in the book I’m STILL writing, which I feel like I might be writing forever at this point.

Time to stop procrastinating…Deep breaths and remember to take your meds, people, and do therapy!

Get Involved- The shape of us

I really like blogging. It feels very 'me,' and it's great to do something we love, right? I've wanted to do this style of work for years, but I wasn't ready to open up about my artwork as I am now.

I'm really finding my voice, and this has given me a deeper reason for creating. However, having my own voice doesn't feel like enough. We all have stories and struggles that are different. Art for me is about connection, awareness, and storytelling, and I believe that together, there is so much awareness to be spread.

Sound like something you may be interested in? Great! Let's tell some stories together!

Email me: velvetimage0@gmail.com