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On the 13th of January I will be 37 weeks pregnant, my daughter Deryn will be six years old and I will deliver her sister baby Cole. She will be born via a caesarean, baby Cole has Gastroschisis, a condition that means she has part of her intestine on the outside whiles she’s still in the womb and will need an operation soon after birth. I want to write a paragraph every day if I can for the next week or so, some days it will be more some days it may just be a few words fragmented, not quite fitting together right, like my thoughts. I'm also very scared of operations, I don't like being touched, everyone has fears, I have to face mine this week.

8th of January-

As I write this “journal update”… I’m in bed typing into my phone notes, today I’m very tired. I was up with heart burn all night! Tomorrow we have my daughters birthday party I’m exhausted already but she will of course love it! This time next year I will be preparing for two birthdays… wow weird thought!

9th of January-

Once again I’m tired, typing again on my phone. We successfully held my daughters birthday party. It was fun, of course she more than enjoyed herself and as a family we made some wonderful memories. She picked a Pokémon themed party… which of course meant me up late last night stressing making a Pokémon cake, in the next couple of days we will do her birthday photoshoot, she’s very excited about this and has loads of ideas! I’m hoping she doesn’t ask to do it today as I’m feeling drained. The last few days have been intense as I’ve (safely) tried to see all my friends and family that I will be unable to see for a while depending on the hospital stay. I feel as if It’s time to be left alone now we are not leaving the house for a few days, of course with social media having a support system at my fingertips is a possibility, this means I can be on my own, without feeling on my own.

10th of January-

Today I’m extremely anxious, I feel it everywhere in my body. I wish I was in work, busy, everyone is still fast asleep in the house right now so I have no distractions. It’s barely 7am and I want this day over with, but that would also mean getting ever quicker to C-day. I’m definitely not mentally prepared for that yet! Today I have my usual monitoring and a PCR, I feel sick. I’m a bit nervous about that obviously, probably why my blood pressure was a little high today. I bet all of this was simpler without a pandemic going on!

I’m now hooked up to a machine, it’s the nice midwife with me, I can’t remember her name, but she’s my favourite because she’s always happy but also really well organised, I like that. In and out more or less.

11th of January-

Today me and Deryn did some maternity photos, This makes me think about Deryn's birth. It was painful but she came into the world screaming and strong. She wasn’t playing around and decided to be born at home, which turned out to be perfect! She’s still strong now, thankfully she doesn’t scream much these days. For someone who was a bit of a handful as a toddler she’s a very well behaved and happy child. She was very happy to help me create my last set of maternity photos, and she was super excited about painting me… the idea was a little bit of paint! A nice green heart or something, but as usual Deryn had her own idea and decided to cover my bump but like everything she does it turned out just perfect. She’s definitely always had her own mind and is confident with it! She will make a wonderful big sister very soon.

We picked green because it’s the colour used for #gastroschisis awareness it’s also Deryns favourite colour so that worked out well!

12th of January-

I’m in the car on the way to Cardiff to have my bloods done etc. I can feel the sun on my face, it’s really cold out but the sun coming into the car feels warm for now, or it’s the cars heating. I’m not sure, however I feel calm at the moment. Tom’s not allowed in with me today, I had a phone call this morning which covered a few bits, so today at Cardiff hospital for checks and to pick up some tablets ready for tomorrow. Today I feel like I’m fighting every urge to sleep.

We had a great day, once we were back from Cardiff we finished prepping for Deryns birthday, which is by a weird twist of fate the is same day as our caesarean! So two daughters born on the same day! We had, presents, a party, cake, sparklers and all sorts, now I’m in bed with my daughter and husband having cuddles. She doesn’t get to fall asleep in our bed often, however she usually ends up here! I love these moments, I don’t want to be apart from her… I’m so nervous now but need sleep, I’ll try for a few hours so that I can string a sentence together in the morning.

13th of January-

I want to stay in bed with my daughter snoozing and my cat purring, I want to stay in this moment. I can't write much i'm just to nervous...The drive to the hospital is almost silent. I’m tired when will I get sleep next, feels like maybe never. I look over my timeline on Facebook, photos of Deryn pop up. I wish I was still with her. The car is full of bags, it's almost like preparing for a holiday, driving to the airport. Destination Cardiff, departure 8.30am T2… do we have our boarding passes? I wish we were going on holiday, holding hands walking along a beach somewhere would be nice right now! Instead I feel like we are driving into the unknown, but I guess we are!

I have lots of messages off friends, I appreciate that. I’m too tired for all this I’m not ready. I want to hide and sleep, still wishing I was just getting knocked out today! My stomach drops as we pull up, I don’t want to go inside. Driving into Cardiff hospital was busy, everyone going about their days, I wonder what they are all doing today…

I’m now in a bed it’s a blur how I got here but I obviously managed to walk and arrange