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Creation after loss

Updated: Aug 3, 2021

It only feels right to give an update, my blog post Creation and Loss was a hard one. I can't read it anymore. Although I’m still thrilled with the work I created under such stressful and challenging circumstances. I’m pleased to be sharing some slightly more positive news today. We get to bring another baby Cole into the world. Although once again this isn't the super positive post I had in mind, but i'm still excited. I want let the uncertainty of my situation take away that from me. I do find myself sat here thinking why can't just one thing go to plan... and sometimes I also feel a little stupid for being excited.

These blogs are extracts taking from my journal and edited to make me sound slightly less messed up. Spoiler we are all a little messed up, I just choose to make art and share my experiences. I like to keep a journal because I like to keep track of my feelings and stay on top of my negative thoughts. I do really recommend it.

As I’ve already expressed I’m happy to be writing this blog post, however It’s not a straight forward emotional situation. Why isn’t anything a straight forward these days? In January when I discovered I was pregnant before I lost that pregnancy I was extremely excited from the beginning, all that hope and instant joy, within a few hours we were discussing names and joking about what corner of the house I would give birth in. This time has been different, that is a subject I can't bring myself to think about too much just yet. There’s many emotions, I’m delighted to be pregnant again I love this baby, however I still feel the effects of my last pregnancy. Yes it was very short but it was still a pregnancy. It’s complex, I find myself wondering about what kind of pregnancy I’d be having if it had carried on, would it be the same as this one. What would the birth be like, I think about what kind of baby, then person they would have grown to be and what kind of life they would have lived. Perhaps I’m over sensitive because of my hormones.

Of course I’ve been a little anxious with this pregnancy, I now know that positive tests doesn’t actually mean you get to have a baby... and the thought of losing a baby again was, and still is terrifying. Although I had started to relax much more up until a week or so ago. A pregnancy after a loss just feels different, when I was pregnant with Deryn miscarriage really wasn’t something I worried about. Of course I understood the risks and possibility, but I was young and under the misconception I was invincible. My second pregnancy that ended so soon really did throw me, now I realise how quick it could be taken away from me, the life that is growing inside me is out of my control. That’s scary, but life is scary and also beautiful. If we constantly lived in fear of what could go wrong would we even leave the house? Probably not!

I wake up in the night hand on my stomach, it’s nice, I used to wake up and remember that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was like waking up and being kicked in the face, so now when I wake up hand on stomach it feels like I’m giving myself a little motivation. Although I often have to leg it to go throw up… a side effect I’m trying not to complain about to much! Morning sickness is a part of pregnancy and I’m grateful for every little reminder that my pregnancy is still going. However waking up with my hand on my stomach is a habit I noticed before this pregnancy. The past seven months I often dream about pregnancy in some sinarios I hadn’t had a miscarriage in January and was still pregnant almost due in-fact, perhaps this is why I would be holding onto my stomach while sleeping! In other dreams I would be losing another baby, or having already lost a baby I would be producing milk (yep weird one I know sorry) In my dream I would be in a lot of pain, needing to feed a baby that I didn’t have. These dreams would go on, I got use to them. I’m pretty sure this is normal. When I found out I was pregnant again these got a little more frequent and intense, mixture and anxiety and hormones! I speak to my therapist about them, nightmares are apart of my life anyway so we have discussed bedtime routines and breathing exercises to help, and they do a little! Being less anxious before bed really can help, although I can’t always control this.

Everything this time has been different, when we decided that we would give trying for a baby another go we were both concerned about how I would handle something going wrong physically and mentally. We decided that we would just see how it goes with trying and that I wasn’t to put any pressure on myself. I like to have control over my life, as we all do, I like to know what’s going on with my body so being more relaxed about the process was a little frustrating at first but it worked! Also without over sharing (even I have my boundaries) being more relaxed and spontaneous restrengthen my relationship, losing a pregnancy is hard and can cause a lot of stress with resulted in me becoming a little distant, emotionally and physically unavailable. I want to be the best wife I can possibly be, its hard to match my husband’s devotion as he constantly does so much for me, and I’m not without my difficulties. I’m grateful we grow up together and in a way I’m lucky he witnessed some of the difficulties I had to face, it makes it easier although I also understand this is still difficult for him to wrap his head around… But this blog entry isn’t about that!

I guessed I was pregnant again fast because I had implantation bleeding very early on and my back started to hurt, I spoke to a very good friend who talked me through my feelings. I also understand that when you want something you start looking for signs and this can led to tricks of the mind and body. So I took some great advice, carry on as normal until it’s time to do a test, until you 100% know your pregnant don’t overthink the situation.

Then the day came, It was time for the test and it was negative! I was gutted! But I had plans that night. So I put on my favourite dress met some friends had amazing food and some drinks. The next day I work out I was now two days late and I should have come on but I had a negative pregnancy test so didn’t think too much of it. As my antidepressants had been messing up my periods a bit. Few days passed still late, I thought I had really bad PMS but decided to do another pregnancy test... POSITIVE. One wasn’t enough 4 positive test later (over a few days!) I realise the first test was wrong and I was definitely pregnant. I felt delighted, nervous also a little guilty. Firstly I’d had a few drinks at the weekend, which I would have never of done if the test was positive from the start. Then weirdly I feel odd about being pregnant again because I should still be pregnant with the baby I lost. Maybe this is a common feeling, like I said before it’s all very complex and also new. This pregnancy doesn’t replace the one I lost, it’s just a new pregnancy. As soon as I found out I began taking vitamins and eating healthier.

I just really want to pregnant, something I didn’t think I would I ever say. It's only in the last year the idea of baby has been on my mind. Of course Deryn is my life I adore her, everything about her I love. However back then I didn’t enjoy being pregnant, I was younger and ill, she was also breach so I found that painful. Being 24 I was also very impatient, 9 months just seemed so long. This time I really wanted to take my time to enjoy it more, of course I’m eager to meet my baby and hold them in the safety of my arms. However I want to enjoy being pregnant partly because this really does feel like a gift. I feel incredibly lucky to have a human life growing inside me and that is insane! I mean think about it! I appreciate it all my changes to my body, the little flutters that will soon turn into kicks. The sickness isn’t great, it’s like being on a boat in stormy water… but I’ve felt like I’ve been in stormy weather before at least this time I feel like the storm is worth it and it will pass, if it doesn't i'll just get better at swimming...