One day at a time… unless time stops.

A few panicked phone calls this week, a hospital appointment and of course a scan. With many more to come… I feel like I’m living in a hospital already! Although I do love to see baby Cole on the screen wiggling around, and we still get pictures but they have given up on printing us a full body one as the condition is now extremely obvious. Gastroschisis is a condition that means my daughter has part of her intestine on the outside whiles she’s still in the womb, after the last big appointment i've been doing a lot of writing as I guess it takes less energy than photography for me in the physical sense. I'm planning some photos this weekend maybe not self portraits maybe even just some overlays using flowers but i'll do something creative! I'll go more into what i've found out about the condition since the last appointment in the next blog after this one, as I'm still processing the information and feelings. Also honestly this blog would take about an hour to read if I included all my notes and thoughts at this point!

You can read my last post 'What to expect, when expecting the unexpected' here.

These are the images il be using for some inspiration this weekend! After all this is a photography blog! I think I’ll creative an image with texture…

I'm now 30 weeks pregnancy which is also the most tricky stage of this type of pregnancy apparently! As she grows and moves she’s at risk of a few complications. Her routine has changed, which at first I found odd and after some of the conversations I’ve had lately with the specialists it made me nervous. I’ve become used to her movements so any changes puts me on edge a little. I wasn’t feeling her in the same place she’s been turning herself round a lot and she didn’t feel as strong, I felt like she was tired. Which I know sounds strange, but you do become very in-tune with the little life growing inside of you. It got to a few hours one day so I rang a midwife, I spoke to a few different people I wanted her heartbeat monitored, but got some good advice instead. Which of course I’ll share! I was told to eat, carbs, sugar, have a cold drink and then to lay on my left side for an hour or two. First I had to work out which side was my left… I decided some pop would do the trick which of course we didn’t have in the house so I sent my husband out into the cold to get some while I ate as much as possible. This all made me feel a little sick but the midwifes know what they are talking about so I followed the instructions I was given! Her movements just felt different, I can usually see her when she kicks or head-buts. Like a seen from Alien, it’s amazing to watch though! My guess was that she’s changed positions, she feels lower down now. I didn’t have this feeling with Deryn until much later on as she was breach right up until two weeks before her birth even then she felt higher up. So I guess I just freaked out a little. As I do. The tops of my legs and back have started to hurt more these days! I feel like I complain a lot about how I feel and how tired I am. I’m not ungrateful for being pregnant it’s just difficult and very different from the type of pregnancy I was expecting, which I know I also say A LOT. I feel that because pregnancy is so amazing and giving birth is a privilege that we are made to feel as if we can’t express how stressful it is without the feeling of guilt, I’m sure this isn’t just me, I definitely wasn’t this on edge with Deryn, I probably didn’t need to ring the midwifes, but I don’t always know what I’m doing, I can admit that.

However the advice I followed seamed to work well! So just me being my usual panicky self, her movements still feel different but she’s throwing some shapes again, she’s back to her active self! Feeling her move more again was a welcome relief. I guess she was just having a chilled day! We are all entitled to a day of rest right, probably just sleeping after all the turning around she’s doing, I should follow her lead. I felt a little bad for making a fuss though, yes I could of googled it. All of that was exhausting, why is laying down such hard work! Everything is hard work, even I’m hard work the moment... I’m probably not particularly easy to be around, a stressed me isn’t a fun me! I keep getting told i’m a high risk pregnancy, so the risk feels high… like my stress levels!

I feel like she’s in good hands, they are upping their game so appointments and monitoring are three times a week now! I’m sure they don’t mind me ringing every now and again when I’m not sure what to do. Also I’m definitely not the first stressed out pregnant woman to have the midwifes on speed dial! I guess in this blog I wanted to go into some of the feelings that have arose while dealing with a complicated pregnancy, or just pregnancy in general. It’s a stressful time for anyone, making a new life and bringing them into the world is beautifully difficult anyway you look at it.

I keep getting told by people “one day at a time”. I appreciate this, and yes it’s a true bit of advice and one I will take forward, one day at a time. That’s what I’m doing, and I’ll keep doing. However I’d actually like time to stop please, just for a bit so if someone could sort that out for me it would be excellent! “Deep breaths” and all that jazz, ok yes, getting air into my body is always a positive I guess but it doesn’t matter how many deep breaths I take it’s all still overwhelming with an uncertain outcome. But I also know this is good advice from people who care, I should listen more it’s just so hard I feel very alone when I’m stressed out even while I’m surrounded by people. Because I don’t know what I’m expecting how can I make plans? I’m really starting to feel the pressure of everything, I have no idea what the next few months look like for my family and that is making me more anxious.

Sometimes it’s feels like I get depressed and that fights my anxiety. Like they are having a little battle to both try and be the more dominant feature of my personality, I get overwhelmed then can’t do anything. So I want to stay in bed, then think to my self what’s the point in trying so hard when the outcome is always the same. Then all of a sudden I’ll get a wave of guilt for not being more productive and thinking so negatively. Especially when I’m so lucky to be pregnant. I'll become disappointed in myself for my feelings, like I’m underachieving at everything my anxiety will tell me I’m weak and not too bother people with how I’m feeling so I’ll try and sleep through the feeling if I’m at home. I can be in a situation where everything is fine, then I get a heavy feeling and I feel uncomfortable in my skin all of a sudden, I think I’ve always had this feeling. It’s not new to pregnancy I guess it’s just heightened, I remember it starting as a teenager I’m sure, so it’s an old running feeling. It happens at the most inappropriate times, I can be in mid conversation and I’ll start to feel it, my stomach, my body, my temperature, my breathing, trying to stay connected to your body when something has triggered some kind of stress reaction can be intense while having a normal day to day conversation with someone who has no idea what’s going on. I really don’t like the feeling and it can hit at anytime in any situation. It’s not an anxiety attack I can recognise them, it’s different. Of course it will trigger my anxiety because I’ll then feel like I’m doing something wrong and people will notice.