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To sleep or not to sleep, that is the question…

Updated: Jan 3, 2022

No new art, just me with a pregnancy journey update. If you have been following some of my other posts you will know that baby Cole has Gastroschisis, a condition that means she has part of her intestine on the outside whiles she’s still in the womb and will need an operation soon after birth.

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Creation and loss

I hope everyone reading this had an amazing Christmas and New Years, even with everything going on as a family ours was everything I was hoping it would be and more. 2021 was difficult for us all much like 2020! It would be naive of me to claim 2022 could be a better year, although I genuinely hope it is for everyone. We could all do with an easier year right! This time last year I was pregnant with the baby we lost and although that situation feels a lot less raw now and i've dealt with those feelings it's still in the back of my mind a little as I go forward, how was that a year ago! I can't believe how much has changed and happened in such a short amount of time. I think back to my emotions and thoughts, I remember feeling completely trapped by lockdown and the situation, at least I have access to midwifes with this pregnancy.

Today we are 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant! In just over a weeks time I will either be induced or undergo a caesarean to give birth to my daughter, if we make it that far. The goal is 37 weeks! We have a date and some more information. We are still having lots of check ups almost every day now where we are both monitored so it could be sooner. I think back a lot, this year has been tricky, this pregnancy has been stressful, it some ways it’s gone fast, it’s been constant from our 3 month scan, when they spotted the ‘defect’ they really got on the ball. Which I will be completely honest about, has almost been too much at some points, too much information to take in, too many appointments to keep up with, too many thoughts and feelings to process, too many possible outcomes. However I really shouldn’t complain, they have kept me informed and they have been consistent. When it doesn’t feel like a blur of information and emotions sometimes it feels like this will just be my life forever now. That I now just live in a storm, slowly getting worse while I wait for giant hailstones from the heavens to rain down and crush me, which is dramatic, I feel dramatic, however the situation IS dramatic! I’ve also had a broken and infected tooth removed a few days ago after my wisdom teeth decided to play up, so I’m generally feeling a little sorry for myself and no wiser... My appointment are all over the place now, spread between hospitals I’m extremely tired.

Unfortunately baby Cole now has a problem with her fluids, it’s getting low. This can have a few worrying implications. Her stomach is also getting pulled more towards her ‘defect’ I’ve mentioned this in my last blog post, this is really stressful because logically thinking (yeah I’m still capable of that) surely that means her bowels must be completely out, to now be pulling her stomach out. They can’t tell how bad it is until she’s born but it can’t be good. I don’t think her stomach will come out, I really don’t think that’s possible at this stage I believe it just makes putting everything back into place trickier.

We are getting more prepared, however not enough to relax me as I will not find out until the day before my delivery how baby Cole will be entering the world, inducement or caesarean. We kind of have a plan in place, it’s one or the other at the moment it feels like a toss of a weighted coin. Baby Cole is still breach, although I feel like she is trying her very best to move much like her older sister did, her movements are strong, but she’s stuck for sure. Deryn was also breach and stuck, we had a ECV to help move her into position around two weeks before she was born. A ECV is when a specialist will move a baby while still in the womb, it’s uncomfortable but done by an experienced specialist the risks are fairly low (everything in pregnancy can come with risks of complications) you get monitored before and after but with Deryn it was very successful and meant I could have a natural birth, which ended up being at home, as I’ve mentioned in my other posts. The risks with this pregnancy are way to high and a ECV just isn’t an option, so if baby Cole doesn’t play ball and get herself into position which I know is extremely unlikely she can’t be moved like Deryn.

There is no part of me that likes the idea of a caesarean, it makes me feel sick and gives me a heavy chest. From what Google has told me (yeah I’ve been Googling again…) I can make the choice between being numb and awake, or being knocked out. Being numb and awake would mean myself and husband would get to witness the birth, being knocked out obviously means that we don’t. I’m I letting my fear of having an operation and having people touching me get in the way of what could be a beautiful and memorable moment. I want to ‘be there’ at her brith to hear her first cry’s and to know she’s ok. I know people who have had caesareans and managed to do them without a meltdown why can’t I, maybe closer to the time I won’t be so scared about it, I don’t like hospitals either but I’ve gotten used to them. It’s a difficult decision, and one I need to make.