The shape of my art…

So this is an older entry that i’ve decided to re edit. When I first shared this I wasn’t 100% happy with it, a lot of what I drafted didn't make to to posting. This has been eating away at my mind. This is also my last little trip down memory lane for a while, maybe even forever, I need closure, to let it all out, I can’t keep living in my memories it's making me feel ill again and I can recognise that. However I want to be heard, I want what I grew though to be valid and I want others to understand they are not alone.

My art is shaped by my feelings. I've not going to talk about technique in this blog, I shared one a while ago Being a Creative Person is Weird where I gave an insight into my process, please click the link and give it a read if you haven't yet.

This blog is all about my feels! It's a little heavy, personal. I'm fully aware now that my photography blog is a Photography/Awareness Blog, and I'm rolling with it. Life is about change, this change has been organic and authentic. I hope whoever you are you enjoyed reading it, unfortunately there will be typos I apologise for this, but it is what it is!

My words are my true feelings from experiences I’ve lived. So if anyone has a problem with what I share you need to take a good look at yourself and think about why it bothers you.

The monsters that are dressed as men can look normal, they can talk normal but they can’t act normal for long, sooner or later they can’t control their sickness and they have to inflict it onto others. Abusive people are not abusive all the time, sometimes its trips out, ice cream, family meals and photoshoots. Everyone can smile for a photo while hiding the truth. All this is what makes being a child in an abusive household so confusing, sometimes they even act like they love you, then like a flip of a switch someone says the wrong thing and all hell breaks loose. It becomes mentally exhausting, you start living in fight mode ‘walking on eggshells’. There would often be a massive fight, and you could feel it building up in the air, we soon learnt when it was coming. I always found winter the worst particularly the build up to Christmas was stressful for me, perhaps because it was colder out so we were all in the house more, or that the stress of money was a factor. But when the fights happened there was screaming, name calling, pushing, violence, we witnessed horrific senes and made to feel like they were our fault. I've been too scared to sleep because I could hear an argument though the walls, and when there was an argument in that house anything could happen. I've had things thrown at me and I've been thrown, I'll been held down and hit with my own hands "I'm not hitting you, you‘re hitting yourself" just madness, who does that to a kid. None of this was ok, and it wasn't our fault, we should have never been made to feel like we deserved that. If you are living through this please know it’s not your fault either, and everything can and will get better.

I was unhappy growing up, of course when you’re young you don’t know any better. The situation you often find yourself in you just automatically assume is normal, because you don’t know any different. And when things start to get complicated it’s very confusing. For years I thought I was the problem, was I just too argumentative? Demanding? Annoying? I was always told that “I was going on to much” ok yes I would go on. I do understand this, but I didn’t feel listened to so I would I repeat myself however eventually I learnt to keep my excitement to my self. Assuming I was an annoying person and people wouldn’t like that about me. Which was hard because I’m not shy I wanted to talk, to be excited, I like being around people and sharing ideas, but once you become unconfident in yourself it’s hard to change those feelings. They are routed deep. Even now years on I second guess if what I have to say is relevant or if an idea I have is deserving of an input. I start tasks and can’t always finish them before i'll loose confidence in what I’m doing, then I will procrastinate and get anxious. As you read this you may wonder what is my goal for sharing this, it's simply like all my other blogs I want someone to read this and feel less alone, to look at my art and feel inspired.

My childhood had eliminates of mental health issues, I grow up watching people struggling. And unfortunately they were not taken seriously, probably why I ignored my own struggles for so long. I've seen the impact of addiction, violence and manipulation. How long will we let people walk around for who have inflicted such pain for with no accountability? I believe it's important for closure that our stories are told.

My brain has been shaped by experiences, now I have to deal with these and the person I’ve grown up to be. I have to try and like myself. And my favourite saying “it’s not fair” plays as the soundtrack to my life on repeat in my head. But it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I grew up feeling I was annoying to be around, that my personality was “off” that people wouldn’t like me. That I was stupid.

Bullying can happen anywhere, it’s unfortunate but it’s part of life. However it shouldn’t be. I believe that most people just don’t understand the impact they are having on your mental state. Because I would like to think that even the bad people don’t want to cause permanent damage. Bullying can also come in so many forms, the impossible tasks, the looks and name calling. Mumbler (because of my speech problems) and mong (because of my dyslexia) nicknames used to hurt and belittle. I HATED THEM! I developed thick skin on the outside, inside maybe not so much. I didn’t realise how much anxiety was slowly starting to build up, and that later on in my life this would turn into other mental health problems such as depression and insomnia. I once told a family member that I felt bullied and uncomfortable in my own home I was told to stop being stupid. If I could ever pass on any advice when someone opens up to you and expresses an emotion please don’t dismiss them and please don’t belittle them. The term “gaslighting” wasn’t something I heard growing up, I wish I had though.

I hate how much of my personality is sculpted from my childhood for example when I was a child I really loved dogs, now I’m honestly not a dog person at all. I don’t really like them, I think about this from time to time… I think it’s link to my childhood experience. Maybe it was the time I watched a dog get dragged into the kitchen to “have it fucking throat slit” a massive German Shepard puppy, I remember the fear but luckily the dog was fine, well they got dragged and kicked a lot but I think they got used to it, the poor creatures. It’s funny what you just get used to right. Or perhaps It was the time I had dog mess thrown at me while I was sitting on the sofa because picking it up was on my daily jobs chart and I was refusing to do it… also I was “a piece of shit too” apparently. I grew resentful of the dogs, because they would still show love and affection and in the back of my mind I was just thinking ‘for god sake bite his face off…’ which isn't a healthy thought and thinking about it now the dogs were just living on their instincts just like us, I should of understood that better. I had a dog I loved, bouncer. As a child he was my dog I had him for a years, I had him before my mum remarried. He was very special to me, one time I came home from school to walk him only to open the kitchen door to discover that he had been re homed while I was at school I was heart broken, also apparently bouncer had bit him once, Bouncer was an excellent judge of character so it’s possible however the dog had never shown any aggression I believe that the dog went simply for the fact that he was MY dog.