Inspiration & Anxiety

Happy International Women’s Day.

Today I felt inspired to write, it’s been a while since I’ve felt such a pull to put words down from the inside of my head into a more physical space. So I’m going with it.

Inspiration sometimes feels suspicious, like the manic pull of creativity could take over my brain and common sense at any time. I’ve always found it tricky to stay in a steady middle ground mindset of anything I do, it’s all or nothing with me. It’s a fine line between creating an obsession I guess. And I’ve never made any income from being an anxious artist, but I’ve managed to build myself a decent wedding photography business, so this means I can’t afford any spiralling. Self employment is great, but there's no sick pay, no time to be down long term, procrastination is not an option. So I try to keep myself as stable as possible. Which means medication and counselling...again.

I took some bad habits into my 30s that are not serving me, and I don't want them with me in my 40s! So that means I have more work to do, it's been about a year's break from counselling so it’s weird to be back at it, in the past most of my processing, my cPTSD and my crappy adulthood experiences etc. but this time I’m looking to focus more on the now and my future, to better myself and keep myself as settled as I can be. So it’s new territory. But hopefully it makes me less anxious about life, hopefully, but who knows. I'm ALWAYS anxious, but i'm also a mother, of daughters so with the state of the world it would be weird if I wasn't right?! It's hard to be a woman.

I find myself inspired by women, this isn’t me coming out by the way, I’m inspired in a platonic way, but a way that is filled with love and compassion. I’ve always struggled with feeling connected to people, and that’s ok however going back to being self-employed this has posed some more obstacles, I used to be able to do my socialising in work, because for the most part I worked places that were creative as I had a sense of ‘belonging’. I’ve made lifelong connections from these places, friendships have lasted after employment however the past few months I’ve been craving the type of connection and collaboration you get from colleagues. Being self employed is lonely, I will never go backwards, but I need more collaborations in my life.

Awwwwwww sidetracked a bit, so the point, there is a point I promise. Being hyper-vigilant I’ve always been good at recognising when I no longer belong somewhere, which is also why I’m self-employed now. I don’t tend to feel like I belong in many rooms, at least not long term anyway, ‘quirky’ people are fun at first, we are kind of like a mascot, or marmite to some people perhaps. However in my 30’s I also worked out I can use my hyper-vigilance to work out where I do belong. Okay, so the point behind my inspiration and platonic emotions; we are getting there now. Last night I photographed an event, it was my second year working at this event so I kind of knew what to expect, there was a panel of women speakers. I remember the last year coming away from this event feeling creative also, but this year hit different.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows I love raw and open conversations, I like my thoughts to be challenged. Admittedly I only actually trust a few people to open up to fully myself, but I like to listen, and empathise, nothing is too much, I like rooms I can quietly take things in, these are the places I feel comfortable. maybe that's odd, maybe that says something about me and isn’t that stable. But the truth is I feel inspired by other people's hardships, and don’t get that twisted, I do not enjoy people struggling, I do not find comfort in the fact that people have been through traumas or distress. But I do find it comforting when people can stand up and tell others they are not alone. It’s powerful and selfless, when someone can stand up in front of a room full of people it feels like there's an energy passed on. I like being in that environment, admittedly it comes with complexity, I was also exhausted after, although I had also done a wedding showcase that day, so I was very much in sales and marketing mode until an hour before, perhaps also the reason behind my yawning and heavy eyes. I LOVE being a wedding photographer, but I’m also an introvert, so it takes me a while to recharge my social battery.

Sidetracked again, my point is almost over… so it’s also International Women’s Day, and I’m sure there will be plenty of jokes like “Why do we need an International Women’s Day, they get enough” on social media and all that. But the truth is it feels more important now for us all to celebrate, honour and support each other on this day more than before. The world is not a safe place, but we can make rooms safe, we can make rooms safe enough to empower others in, to give hope in, make others feel quietly seen in. This is the power that we hold and that we pass on. This is what connects us. And I felt all of that yesterday. Thank you to all the women who are striving and battling to make the world a better, safer and more open space for us all and our daughters.

So yeah, if you read this thanks, and I hope you are finding rooms you feel seen, comfortable and resilient in.

This is a piece I wrote at the end of 2025, I also like to write something about my year, but I don’t always share, however I feel like perhaps this belongs here now. Also we are now over two months into 2025… so maybe it can start being kinder to us all now!

2025 was the year of grief, love and friendship.

This year I’ve watched so much grief unfold. Almost everyone I love has grieved in some way or another, so many have lost loved ones, some have lost parts of themselves along the way, some parts were meant to be lost, no longer wanted. But some parts were taken, they were parts that belonged to them, still theirs and needed. I often wished I could have carried more of those feelings for them, so they could be lighter, but that’s not how it works. This year has also brought me joy and warmth with it, even in the midst of the grief I’ve witnessed and sometimes felt myself. There’ve been some great moments, I’ve felt a real closeness in my friendships. However I’ve seen them fight for so much, some fighting in small personal battles, some in what must have felt like wars. I think this year it’s really dawned on me that the people who make the effort to be in my life really deserve to be in it, and I’m better off for their friendships, fierce encouragement but also the gentleness and space they provide. Even in their grief and own chaos of life I’ve felt loved in return.

We all grieve differently, no right or wrong. This year I decided to silently take steps back from the parts of my life that didn’t feel as welcoming anymore to focus on the parts that needed attention and felt like home. I hope 2026 is kinder and lighter for everyone.

And for old times sake here is a very quick self portrait, yep there I am, with all my trauma and personalities decided my next steps… I doubt I share much writing in 2026, not like I used to anyway but this was fun. I'm still working on my book draft and I will definitely be having some creative fun this year with my camera, that’s for sure. Peace out.