So here we are, sitting on the cusp of New Year's, crazy to think that in less than 30 hours it will be 2025. As we go into another year with new hopes, dreams and grudges I would like to take the time to wish everyone reading this a successful voyage into the unknown of a new journey around the sun. I haven’t blogged this year, I’ve written out many drafts, jotted down my feelings, life events, and tried my hardest to process the ups and downs of the every day, from the traumatic to the melancholy moments. In many ways, 2024 was a year of growth and making decisions. Although admittedly I’m messy at decision-making, I can never seem to get it right even with all my best intentions.
To start this blog off here are some images I created last week when it was raining and I was really feeling the frustration of my own mind, I wanted so badly to create something of value and articulate myself through some artwork but at the time I felt like I failed. I like these now, the documentary approach is something i’m trying to explore more in my self portrait work and looking back I feel like I did a good job in capturing these feelings, instilling my boredom into the Photographs.
So here is what I’ve learned in 2024 through messy decision-making and creativity.
I decided, due to a few life factors, that 2025 would be a good time to leave my full-time employment and take a more full on approach with my own photography business and freelance work. I’ll go into my reasons why in a few months. If you have read any of my other blogs, you will already know I like to write and produce art from my lived experiences. I’m planning on a small project and a neurodivergent blog series that tackles the differences between inclusion and diversity in principle vs. in practice, the burnout we face navigating everyday life, and some of the crap we put up with in general. But I’m still working out my approach to tie in my artwork that will accompany it. And as always, I’m also trying not to get myself into too much trouble with my honesty.
Here is a little taste, I guess. I did this image a while ago when I was feeling unwell, and the doctors signed me off. I’d never been signed off work for a long period of time before, and it really started to put things in perspective. I felt all the feels, guilty, lazy, angry and then just sad.
I’m excited about the future. The last few weeks have actually been the first time in a while since I’ve felt this positive about myself or the idea of a future. Of course, I’m still an anxious person, but also highly masking and funny, so I guess it evens itself out. My main worry about trying to go self-employed is the lack of structure it will bring. I need structure, but I’m unable to create it for myself, which is really annoying. Hence why I’ve always relied on having a job and a boss to bring me the structure that my neurodiverse brain needs.
It’s going to be strange to have some time to myself, i've always worked and ran a business together. So i'm not sure if I'll end up getting another job or not, I can’t do anything until I’ve sorted out my burnout. Luckily, it’s not affecting my photography business, so I still have income and a passion. I actually really love being a wedding photographer, it fills me with the type of joy I can’t even fully express. So I’m going with what makes me truly happy for once. I’m also planning on running and going to the gym again and obviously taking part in counselling sessions to keep my head in order. Hopefully, the business will keep me just busy enough to occupy my time so I don’t become a doom-scrolling husk of myself. I’m also lucky to have a great business partner.
2024 was a big year. I did some EMDR therapy for my CPTSD; that was fun, because who doesn’t love a trip down memory lane with some intense trauma therapy and all that? EMDR was, and there is no other way to put it, an absolute headfuck. Apparently, because of being able to tap into a very visual part of my memory, and being able to recall moments of significance in great detail I was good at it, so yay me, right? but It still came with many challenges. And sometimes I fell into the wrong memories or got stuck in them. The mind is an incredible thing, and I apparently still have processing to do. I’m not sure if I’ll do more EMDR therapy in the future yet, it’s something I’ll decide in a few years but for now I’m back in talking therapy.
Then at one point, I stopped taking my ADHD and anxiety medication altogether, and my OCD got trickier to manage... not my finest moment, but that’s the thing about mental illness—it’s an actual thing, and we get unwell with it. So now I’m taking Prozac, and so far it’s working well, i’m finding it much better than any other medication I’ve been on before anyway. I’m definitely more stable. Which is nice, because messy decision making with an unstable unmedicated head isn’t the version of me that is needed while I make my business work full time. But I go into all the details in my book.
I’m excited to have time to finally finish my book at long last. On my ever-growing list of things to do in 2025 is to work out how to get that funded and published without getting sued by anyone, hopefully. The book I’m writing is about my lived experience, and some people have made it their mission to give me bad experiences, so that’s tricky, for them. They added to the plot, so I guess in a weird way, it worked out because I’ve never been short of material to write about.
To complete my book I’ve been looking at all the self-portraits I’ve produced in the past four years that go with the writing, and it is bizarre, some of them feel like they are from a completely different life now. I’m no longer that person in many of the images, but I’m still connected to them deeply. That’s the incredible thing about photographs they capture a moment in time, fleeting, raw, and honest. I wish I could go back and talk to the version of myself in some of the images. I don’t know what I would say, but I look at some of those images and feel the type of sadness you feel when a friend is having a hard time. So this means I’m learning self-compassion, which is positive, so I’m told. Although saying that, in some of the images, I look at myself and still think, "What a muppet," so I’m not quite there yet. I started my self-portrait project at a really tricky time, and then it became my hyper-focus and special interest for a few years, this is something neurotypical people don’t always understand. Passion becomes obsession, then it’s just a way of life, like breathing.
So that’s been my year, and now I’m here, just a girl, a camera and a MacBook with no long term employment plans but transferable skills and determination. So to help with trying to find my own structure, I’ll be doing a monthly blog again. Yay, or boo, depending on who you are, I guess! I’m not really expecting many reads, they are for me more than anything at this point. Writing has always helped me process and create.
My next blog will be in the middle of January, with an update on Lunar's condition, as we have our now yearly appointment with Noah’s Ark Hospital. It’s been a while since I’ve done a gastroschisis blog, and I’m actually looking forward to this one as the process she had made has been amazing this year. Watching both my children grow and develop has been the greatest source of inspiration and happiness. If they can do it, so can I!
Happy New Years! “Champagne for My Real Friends, Real Pain for My Sham Friends” & Thanks for reading.
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I really like blogging. It feels very 'me,' and it's great to do something we love, right? I've wanted to do this style of work for years, but I wasn't ready to open up about my artwork as I am now.
I'm really finding my voice, and this has given me a deeper reason for creating. However, having my own voice doesn't feel like enough. We all have stories and struggles that are different. Art for me is about connection, awareness, and storytelling, and I believe that together, there is so much awareness to be spread.
Sound like something you may be interested in? Great! Let's tell some stories together!
Email me: velvetimage0@gmail.com
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