Noise

I can hear the sound of dogs yelping and whining tonight, this is completely in my head. I don’t have a dog, my dog passed away a few years ago, my brain is just easily triggered and I have a good long term memory for details. The sound in my head is a noise from childhood, of the dogs we had growing up, we always had German Shepherds big and strong by appearance however they are actually a very gentle and affectionate breed of dog usually. The reason I can hear yelping in my head tonight is because I had a conversation about dogs and that triggered some past memories, growing up the dogs would often get a good beating and the noises still haunts me to this day. If I could I would sleep with headphones on to block the noise out, but I need to be able to hear my children in the night so that’s not an option so instead I’m lying awake with whining in the background of my internal monologue. I intend to go into more about the dogs for the book I’m writing, I’m still going over old memories and jotting bits down. The more I write the more I remember, and the more I trigger myself so it’s tricky. They had a dog once called poppy, I was long gone by this point I moved out way before they got her. I did however go with them the night they brought her home, as I’ve mentioned before I spent years trying to keep the peace and hold onto relationships.

Poppy was also a German Shepard, she wasn’t very big though I think perhaps she was mixed with a sheepdog or something of a smaller breed, we only met her mother when they picked her up her father wasn’t available for viewing. I would have been in my very early 20s perhaps younger, but I still remember this night, the layout of the house, the smell of the puppies. The house was next to a lake, it had big windows and the family were friendly enough, regardless of upbringings and animal preferences who doesn’t like going to visit a load of fluffy puppies!

Poppy was an interesting dog I wasn’t a massive fan of hers to be honest, she made me a little nervous and was annoying. As a puppy she was lovely and fluffy but she unfortunately got put to sleep when she matured because she grew a temper and couldn’t be trusted. She attacked a family member, aggression is an instinct, it’s built in us for self protection, but it was wrongly used and she became a danger. Sad isn’t it, an animal will get miss treated and when they then get triggered and defensive they get destroyed. They become the ones with the anger issues, they get blamed. All I can hear is that noise, German Shepards are very vocal dogs their cry is almost like a scream when they get hit and now my brain is flooded with old random memories.

Like Poppy was my anxiety is a bitch, oh a pun! A bit of humour mixed with some childhood trauma yay! Sometimes I get frustrated with how good my long term neurodivergent memory is, if only my short term memory was as good I’d be unstoppable! A strong visual memory is also a factor in my creativity, my ability to problem solve and empathise so it’s not ALL bad. If I wasn’t traumatised and could get through the day without a stress nap I would probably be better at using these ability career wise!

Where was I, dogs, may as well keep the ball rolling… As a teenager still living at home I remember always feeling better knowing that Scooby one of our dogs, a large white German Shepard was sleeping upstairs incase something kicked off and my mum needed help, (my priorities were wrong) but the dogs did offer me some comfort I doubt they would of been much protection if needed but it did make me feel better knowing they were there. This is something me and my siblings often talk about in fact we were talking about this 2am last night, guess i’m not the only one not sleeping these days.

I’m not being very well behaved… I’m having a break from counselling because I literally can’t bring myself to get back in contact with my counsellor it’s only been a few weeks, ironically my ‘ghosting’ is something she’s helping me work on but the procrastination in me is strong, “i’ll do it tomorrow”. Also counselling is suddenly a luxury in my mind because of the cost of living crisis, it’s not cheap and before the cost didn’t concern me to much because it felt like a need now it’s a luxury. Perhaps why I’m struggling to get a session booked in, perhaps it’s the guilt of spending money on myself while I now need to be more considerate that’s stopping me from reaching out. This is usually the type of question I would look for guidance on. Or I’m just talking myself out of it, using the excuse of my increasing energy bill to get out of talking about my feelings. Think I just answered my own question then really didn’t I! Sigh, but this country is a mess, there will be many people now in the process of questioning whether they actually need counselling or not due to an increase in their out goings.

I’m probably just hitting a wall, I feel like I have no long term plan of action at the moment. I have to always know what I think the next five years look like for myself. It’s a control thing because of my anxiety I know that, also it’s a trauma response so i’ve been told. I have no weddings booked in till next year as I tend to like to concentrate on my day job in the autumn and winter as it’s our busiest time, "oh yes it is" ... a pantomime pun, that I find funny because I work in a theatre and I’m mentally exhausted. I have of course wedding meeting here and there and planning to do, but business wise il be quiet for a little while, which could be a good opportunity to really start my book and make a plan of action career wise! There’s so much pressure in life though isn’t there! To earn money, to progress, to keep going, be successful, but what’s it all for?

I need a new project maybe, I need to do a blog collaboration again perhaps, when I focus on helping people everything is lighter, sharing stories and images feels like giving back. I need some new challenges, some dopamine, passion and motivation, any going anywhere? (theres a meme of Oliver twist ‘please sir can I have some more’ now in my head as I think about how I would love some happy hormones right now. I’ve made art, I have mechanisms, most are what people would call ‘problematic’ so my art is probably the best mechanism I have. It’s my voice, my soul and my therapy.

Noise-

Inspired by my noisy brain. Digital noise is something as a photographer I’m meant to not like, but the artist in me is drawn to it. I like the grainy look of an edit, the fragments. Photography isn't possible without light, like everything in life light is the catalyst for growth. These are all old images I reedited because I couldn't sleep last week.

Around me-

I’m still growing my hair, at the moment it’s breaking and falling out. Sad times, lunar is now 9 months old so it’s all down to hormones. Oh how we love hormones right *eyes roll into head* anyway back into the subject of art this is how anxiety feels I guess, like there’s always something weird around you, waiting for you, to grab you. "It's behind you!..."