Updated: Aug 11
It feels like a good time for a little blog... I’m feeling calmer, happier… still exhausted BUT I’m thinking about the future more again. I can envision a more positive outcome now, still definitely processing the craziness of the last few years and all the stress and worry!
I had a counselling session last Friday, we talked about all the different parts of me. The depressed part of me, the passionate part, the hyper focused part, the self sabotaging part, the impulsive part, the loving part… and more, I have MANY parts as we all do. The hurt child like part of me that feels ignored And frustrated I don’t like this part, it feels petty and immature, but I’m working on recognising ALL these parts better, letting them hold their space but not letting them consume me. It’s tricky because I can’t regulate my emotions well STILL…growing and relearning is intense.
So many parts, all in pieces… some are broken and some are held together with gold glue, stronger than before, some parts will probably always be a little cracked, weakened by the pressure of life.
I don’t really have the luxury of stopping, for a few reasons so I'm back to it! I built a new website, for my wedding photography business and I’m doing locations shoots again, check it out velvetimagephotography it’s very different from this work, but It actually feels good to be busy, I’m really trying but it’s slow, or I’m slow at getting back to normal but I’m trying.
One of the reasons I made the Jump to set up a new website for my wedding photography was because of the conversation that me and my counsellor had about recognising all the parts of myself. There’s a part of me who must have confidence, who has a entrepreneurial mind set… a very small part, but a part I need to try and recognise. I’m not sure where that part fits in with the rest of me, the doom and gloom me is more prevalent, especially when it comes to creating perhaps, but there’s also the me who wants to help people, and that where ‘The shape of us’ came from, I like this part of me. So that all led to the realisation that I needed two split up my work a little bit, and it was ok to do so, it’s something I’ve been flirting with for a while now. I also love the marketing for my photography business, I forgot how fun it was actually, social media feels like a tool again, not a weapon!
I have another blog collaboration towards the end of the month! I’m very excited working on Staying up all night in the NICU Club... was incredibly rewarding, so of course I want this to continue as a creative project!
So my art, there’s not much, I’m also now back at my day job more often so ‘my time’ is limited between also being a mother and running a business. It’s hard, it’s fun, it’s challenging, it’s so many things… did I already mention it was hard??
The gold paint came out again! I start to feel A bit better and it just feels right to use it. So self compassion is still a thing I’m working on, it’s very hard because well I’m annoying in person so imagine being stuck in my head right! Man, it’s hard work, but I’m meant to be focusing more on ‘self soothing’ when I’m worked up, which is the inspiration for this image. I don’t like the way I look in it, but I do like the concept. This is me calming myself, letting myself feel.
My hair is falling out sooooo much now at the moment, hormones, fun. Lunar is now 7 months old! wow, time sure fly’s right? I feel like am balancing life ok. Summer isn’t my favourite season, I’m looking forward to autumn, although I remember September last year, it wasn’t kind, in fact it was a really difficult month, with some really difficult thoughts and feelings. I can’t believe a year has almost already past! I’m working on not falling into dark spaces… but it will happen, because that’s life, so I need to get better at pulling myself out of problematic cycles… and take some vitamins for my hair!
Some days my body feels like a war zone, tired, sore and I have a massive scar now, goes with my stretch marks. The human body still completely amazes me! I really wanted to do some art work with my scar in. However It’s much lower than I thought it would be, i’m not sure why I assumed it would be higher really! It’s not feeling as sensitive now, and my stomach feels better physically, some days I even feel like a warrior, fighting, strong and determined to do better, to be better… however mentally perhaps i’m still feeling a little fragile, like the slightest setback could knock me back over, but i'm feeling way less triggered by life now in general, so i'm battling harder! I don’t have amazing body confidence (yes I know I use my body as a tool for my art that doesn’t mean I love it) it’s so difficult being a woman in the modern world, we are told love our bodies etc. then we get targeted adds on our social media giving us ‘post baby weight loss’ tips…
The gold was hard to get off, one of my good friends whatsapped me as I was working on this to see how I was... so it was a funny reply, the people who get me, really get me, so the people who don't are not my people, and thats ok, i'm learning that!
All my blogs have typos in them, but they also have emotion, love, the desire for understanding and connection... also sometimes they are just a great way to vent a little!
I really like blogging, It feels very 'me' and it's great to do something we love right!? I've wanted to do this style of work for years but I really wasn't ready to open up about my art work as I am now.
I'm really finding my voice and this has given me a deeper reason for creating! However having my own voice doesn't feel like enough. We all have stories and struggles that are all different. Art for me is about connection, awareness and story telling, and I believe that together there is so much awareness to be spread.
Sound like something you may be interested in? Great! Let’s tell some stories together!
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