Diary of an anxious person…
I’m currently working on a few different creative projects, today has been a weird day in the fight with my anxiety, I wrote a fair bit on my phone notes today as I do when I have lots of feelings. Perhaps this is a pointless and weird entry to share, but mental health awareness is very important to me, I wrote half of this while in a cafe, and the other half at home with a bad case of brain fog, my chest still doesn’t feel ‘right’ but I’m warm listening to instrumental 90s throwbacks.
Feb 21st, Entry 1.
I feel like I’ve been dropped from a great height. I’m so anxious, I’ve felt it ALL day and I’ve just caught myself taking some deep breaths to help ground myself, which is good practice, a healthy tool in the fight against my fluctuating emotions, however 'oh crap', I’m in public. This is not the time or the place. I’m in a cafe waiting to meet a woman to talk about a ‘The Shape of Us’ blog I’m currently working on about breastfeeding, that’s not why my anxiety is high though. Today is just wrong, it feels weird, and I just feel off. As I sit here there’s a thought rushing around my head repeatedly as my arms ache and my heart thuds “wtf is wrong with me“ I’ve upped my meds again, I feel like I’m always upping my meds, I literally can’t go any higher. Being on the top dosage isn’t really something to celebrate but also it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it simply is, what it is. But my heart is still thudding, the person I’m meeting will be here soon then my anxiety will have to move back into a different part of my brain and compress itself, I need my headspace, along with a slower heart rate and arms that work. I HATE upping my meds the side effects ain’t fun and I still probably have a few more weeks of heightened anxiety and low appetite for food... so I take two pills a day now, one for breakfast and one for supper. I've also found a new councillor that i'm seeing from March, I'm hoping it works... someone FIX me, please.
Urge, fuck, this would be a terrible place to have a panic attack, I’m glad I’m writing as I wait, it’s my go-to! but even that’s not enough at this point. Ok, I should probably try and ground myself more using my surroundings a little, using sensory technique to help. SOOOO, the walls are blue, the floor feels steady under my feet, I have one headphone in so I can hear a mixture of sounds, murmurs and whispers, a few giggles every now and again while I also listen to paramore ‘Thick Skull’. Which is a banger, I have new shoes on, given to me by my sister and my feet hurt a little, more deep breaths, I bet I looked completely calm apart from my darting eyes… the table is wooden and the cups are modern with a slight rustic-chic look to them, the vibe is fairly relaxed in here and no one is looking in my direction. I’m by a window, that helps, I can see everyone who enters and leaves.
I stopped writing as it was time for my meeting...
Feb 21st, Entry 2.
It’s been around an hour and now I’m home, back in my fortress of comfort. The meeting was great! Such a good positive talk, we shared stories, laughed, it always feels so good to be working on something I’m passionate about I’m really excited, it’s powerful, raw and beautiful full of breastfeeding stories that involves so many amazing women and their own experiences and I can’t wait to share the blog in a few weeks… I’m lucky my anxiety doesn’t get in the way of my creative projects, I still meet people, connecting, documenting their stories. Although my anxiety has never really been social admittedly I do run out of ‘people energy’ fairly fast. My anxiety is more of a guilty, worrying feeling, a dread following me around, making me doubt myself, waiting for me in dark corners. Often I feel like a child who’s about to be told off for doing something wrong, like I’m not good enough, or I’m going to be in trouble but I’m not sure why… or I’ve forgotten to do something incredibly important and can’t remember what it is, and that is how I feel today. It’s not a feeling that eases as the day goes on, so I’m in for a rocky night.
I feel it in my stomach, it’s like butterflies have taken acid and are on a hell of a trip. They are not fluttering they are twisting, turning and they are furious for some reason. I feel it in my chest, my heart is thudding but there’s also this weird tickling feeling that gets tighter every now and again. This also affects my temperature. I feel it in my throat, as if any minute it might close up. I feel it in my arms and legs, they are unsteady, tired, achy. I feel it in my one ear, the itching I can’t get too inside to scratch it that is just excruciatingly annoying, I feel it in my head…but it's not just in my head, it's everywhere, in my body.
I’ve sat with my feelings today, tomorrow I’m back in work and on Saturday I have my first wedding of the year, I’m excited it will be good for me to get back into my zone, find my flow…I’ll find ways to keep creative and try not to go into a shutdown. I feel exhausted, weak, a little defeated for feeling so ill but today I still won, it didn’t stop me. It wanted to and I wanted to give in, but I didn’t.
The shape of us info
So I have TWO projects I’m working on that I’m looking for collaborations with. I'm currently writing a blog all about breastfeeding, I’m collecting some stories, helpful tips and struggles. If you would also like to be involved please drop me a message, my second collaboration project is all about why artists create, what drives us forward and why we share so much of our selfs. I’m hoping to interview some creative people, i'm also planning to link it up to some mental health awareness.