Birthday bumps
Yesterday was my birthday, I’m now 32 years old, after a run of bumpy birthdays I wanted to go into this one quietly, respectful and cautious. I started the day with a run, yeahhhh gross right, my 6.30am alarm didn’t even sing happy birthday! However now I’m at the wiser age of 32 I’m making the effort for better physical and mental health, I did more or less have to drag myself out or bed however it turns out a run with a friend was actually a great way to start my day, it was then followed by a fry up cooked by my husband! It was a lovely day that also involved a walk with family and a meal out in my favourite restaurant. Worlds apart from the last few birthdays I’ve had…
January has been full of ups, accompanied with happiness and laughter and some really big downs. As usual I really wasn’t looking forward to my birthday however my daughters and husband make everyday better, meaning they make every birthday better. Of course I should have more faith really! My friends also know how to make me feel important to them, but in a chilled way, little gestures, reminiscing of past antics, funny and beautiful cards, birthday meme and simple txts. That’s all that’s needed and all I wanted.
I will obviously never forget my bumpy birthdays particularly my 30th that had the physical and mental pain of an early miscarriage. Then my 31st birthday was spent in the special baby care unit after Lunar had been moved from NICU, that day had many bitter sweet moments to it, ones that I’ve yet to fully process. My birthday will never be a day I’m excited about, or particularly feel like celebrating in a massive way but that’s not saying they still can’t be enjoyable, in a quiet, respectful and cautious way, of course!
The Art -
I’ve been taking part on the 64 million artist challenge as I mentioned before, each challenge has a different theme and it's been great fun and very inspiring.
Dark thoughts, shimmers of hope, maybe tomorrow…
I ran out of ‘adult functioning energy’ last week and had to take a day of work, wellbeing days are important, however when I’m feeling exhausted I don’t tend to leave the house and on day five of my own self inflicted isolation I wasn’t feeling amazing. The 64 million artist daily challenge was about ‘capturing the day’… I literally just lay on the floor and then my new sofa all that day, in a very unproductive self pity and couldn’t be bothered to pick up my camera kinda way... So the next day I decided a self portrait would help shake off my somewhat idle state of mind.
So here I am, doing nothing just staring into the light, longing for logic, willing for willpower. I learnt from counselling (when I was doing it) that self isolation is a trauma response, like many of my issues this was gifted to me by bad parenting. Im trying very hard not to pass on any generational trauma, it’s all quite exhausting the ‘working on yourself’ stuff, it also means being honest and open.
I wrote this to go with it, I’m working hard on my creative writing, however much like my artwork it’s subjective and not always good…
The days just blend into one,
The light still shines as time still passes,
TikTok, TikTok, TikTok… scrolling as the hands move around the clock,
The day turns to night,
I’ll do it tomorrow, or the day after…maybe,
It’s safe here, it’s warm, so what’s the big deal if I stay here forever in my fortress of pillows and pity?
Maybe this is me? Maybe this is who I am, maybe this is life? Maybe it shouldn’t be… but I’m tired.
Fabric Stories
Fun story time… This challenge was called ‘fabric stories’ and inspired me to write about my favourite item of clothing is my wedding dress, it’s my favourite colour and just as a beautiful finish to it. FYI totally regret not wearing makeup for this... yes I was really that tired!
I love this dress! And it still fits, well it’s tight now after two kids, getting it on sometimes involves holding my breath and throwing some shapes… and of course there’s a long story behind it. Like most events in my life my wedding had family complications and drama. I’ll keep this version short though. I’m actually trying to cut the length down in my blogs, as I’m an over explainer. again apparently thats a trauma response too!